I walk into a fashionable teenage store, and what do I see? An entire half of the store dedicated to Miss. Strawberry Shortcake, and all of her berry-obsessed companions! "It must be a mistake", said I, "Strawberry Shortcake died in the 80's!"
Then I saw it...A hoard of teenage-silver-eyeliner-wearing-converse-sporting-bulemic-fashion-whore females wearing strawberry shortcake shirts, necklaces, earings, even scrunchies for goodness sakes! WHY?!
I have decided to investigate this odd trend that has sprung back from the grave. Why? Because where there is a crises, you will find me. (I didn't mean for it to sound like I cause crises, but for the record, I usually do. But not this one!)

I was panick stricken...left fearing for my very life! (well, nearly)
I know what your thinking, so I'll tell you..NEXT, I downloaded a "strawberry shortcake" cartoon.

To my horror, the cartoon was filled with singing and dancing! Not to mention an awesome semi-diabolical villian they call the "peculiar purple pie man". He did alot of rhyming, singing, and sparatical dancing which brought me to gales of girlish giggling.
I found the cartoon insparational, yet terrifying at the same time. Why you ask? I'll tell you. I was inspired by the "peculiar purple pie man", with all of his completely random and outrageous dancing, yet I was shocked and traumatized by the large purple talking trees, who ripped themselves out of the ground and pranced around! How will I ever be able to face a tree again?! Tell me HOW?!

Also, I was disgusted by Strawberry Shortcake and her friends at they way they so critically judged the purple pie man! He wouldn't have to be stealing their berries if they agreed to give them to him, and then he wouldn't be forced to flood the world either! Gadzooks! It's not like he was doing degrading things with the berries, he was making pies for heavens sake! Whats wrong with pie? WHAT?!
In the end, I was severely let down, on account of Strawberry shortcake and her friends manipulated the purple pie man into becoming their "berry good friend", and speaking "berry talk" (Otherwise known as replacing the word very with the word berry.)
What kind of a sick pack of little girls converts pie-making villians? They very idea of pie-making villians is awesome, why change it?!

While finding shortcake and friends pets, I was met by my old friend again, "gales of girlish giggles." The mere sight of these wonderful creatures made my face curl up into a smile, and a squeel resounded from my lips. Warning!: They may be cute, but I have reason to believe they're deadly!
(left to right, gauca mole, custard, fig boot, and lucky bug)
Evilness? In these cute little critters? Nonsense..right? WRONG!
In the episode of strawberry shortcake that I witnessed, one scene portrayed Apple Dumpling, (a small child in the show) being "accidentally" shipped into the purple pie mans fortress, where he chose to keep her prisoner. Now, when the question came up of "oh my, where is apple dumpling?!" Lucky bug flew to shortcakes ear telling her of Apple Dumplings incident. I ask you to consider this..Lucky bug could only know about this...if the she SAW it happening...so why didn't she say something sooner?

BECAUSE SHE HAS AN EVIL PLAN TO ONE DAY RULE ALL HUMANITY THATS WHY!

This inocent looking little bug is out to destroy everything in berry land, and as she associates with the other pets, I am onto them as well. So there.

Allrighty, time to pick apart Purple Pie Mans strange habbits...
WHY is it, that after so many years, and so many episodes of being evil, stealing berries, flooding berry land, and making the infamous pies....why in ONE episode, HALF A FREAGIN HOUR, does he give it all up and become shortcakes "berry good friend"? It just doesn't make sense! I'm hoping he is just gaining their trust, only to slaughter them later and make REAL strawberry shortcake out of them.

Just a theory.

Then again, part of the purple pie mans job description is being peculiar...

After all my painstaking research, and long thought-out evaluation...I have come to the conclusion (hence the title of this paragraph) Strawberry Shortcake was brought back because other fads were dying off, and manufacturers were plum outta ideas. Teenagers and young children looked at this, and knowing vaguely who Miss. Shortcake was, and seeing her in brightly colored packages with pink lettering and transparent plastic, bought the items. Adults saw their childhood, and bought the products for their children, (or themselves--some people never grow up ya know). So I say to you all, watch strawberry shortcake and do not feel ashamed! Buy her products if it tickles your fancy! But know this...I warned you about that dang good-for-nothing bug...